Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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