Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
