I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
