I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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