She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
