My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
