You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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