I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
