Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
