Someone shit on the floor
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
