Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
