He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
