I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
