I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
