I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
