i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
