My room smells like vodka and shame
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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