All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
