my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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