Cold hands, warm shart.
Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
