after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
