I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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