sarcasm needs its own font
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
