he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
