I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
