Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
