I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
