I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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