I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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