I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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