the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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