Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Randomize
