No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
