How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
