So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
