Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
