no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
