Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
All the doctor said was why
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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