Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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