My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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