I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize
