I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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