Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Randomize
