Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
