my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
