I looked at my own cervix.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
