Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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