I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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