Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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