Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
